Cinnamon Rolls to Die For

Fire up the butter churn, kitchen pioneers! It's time for another baked good that just might kill you!

The other possibility is that someone might kill you for these cinnamon rolls. I wouldn't, because cinnamon rolls are like donuts to me: I like them, but once every nine months or so is okay. The boyfriend unit does not have this relationship with cinnamon rolls. I made the damn things once four years ago because I was unemployed and bored, and I haven't heard the end of it since then.

"When are you going to make those awesome cinnamon rolls again?"
"Hmm, maybe I should go to Cinnabon. But their cinnamon rolls make me feel sick afterwards. I wouldn't have to go there if you would make those awesome cinnamon rolls."
"You know what you haven't made in a long time? Those awesome cinnamon rolls."
"Do we need anything else from the grocery store? Like ingredients for the cinnamon rolls? I'm going to get some cream cheese, 'cause you'll need it for the icing if you feel like making them."
"You don't HAVE to make the cinnamon rolls...but I thought you loved me."
"Cinnabuns? Cinnabuns? Cinnabuns?"

I usually whip these out once or twice a year, typically when his parents are in town, because they're obsessed with the things too. We've learned, in fact, not to let Boyfriend Unit's mother near the icing. Left to her own devices, she will secret away with the bowl and a spoon, then spend the next four hours predicting her own imminent demise. (I'm handy with icing.

Like most breads, these are extremely labor intensive and difficult to pull off if, like me, you have a tiny apartment kitchen. But it's worth the effort, or at least it's worth the effort once or twice a year.

My cinnamon rolls are essentially the recipe from this website, but that version tells you to do things in an illogical order, so I'm going to write things out the way I do them (I've made a couple of minor ingredient changes as well). She also says the recipe serves 12-15, but I usually come out with closer to 18 or 20. I'm sure you could halve it. Alternately, if you can spare the pans, you can prepare this all the way up to the second rising, then freeze. Put the frozen pan on the counter before you go to bed and it'll be thawed, risen, and ready to bake in the morning.

Before you attempt this, go to the grocery store and buy at least two pounds of butter. You'll be needing it. I really have tried cutting down the heart-staggering amount of butter here. It just doesn't work.

The Dough
2 packets active yeast
1 cup 105-110 degree water
1 tsp granulated sugar

Add yeast and sugar to water; set aside to proof.

1 cup milk - scald it (aka put in saucepan over low heat until it starts smelling a bit milky and/or forming a skin on top. Careful not to let burn. Remove from heat). While the milk is cooling down, add:
2/3 cup butter (stir to melt)
2/3 cup granulated sugar
2 tsp salt

Once the milk is cooled down (usual test: you should be able to hold your hand comfortably against the bottom of the saucepan), add:
2 eggs, lightly beaten
The yeast mixture

Stir all this together, then gradually add:
4 cups flour

Beat until smooth. If you're using a glorious heavy duty stand mixer, as I am...



[celestial chorus]

...this is when you want to change from your paddle attachment to your dough hook.

If you're using a cheap hand mixer, this is a good time to switch to your hands and/or a big wooden spoon.

Stir in enough flour until the dough is stiff. This is usually between 3 and 4 additional cups, so yes, you may need up to 8 cups of flour.

Knead for 10 minutes. I do this by hand even if I've been using my dough hook.

Place dough in a greased bowl, turn to coat, cover with damp cloth, put it somewhere warm and let it rise until doubled in size, about two hours. I like to spray the bowl with my off-brand Pam, roll the dough around in there until it's shiny too, pop the damp cloth on there and then ensure I have a warm place by putting folded dish towels or pot holders on top of my toaster oven, balancing the dough on top, and running a medium toaster cycle.

After the dough has doubled, punch down and let rest for five minutes. During this time, you should make two bowls of cinnamon sugar.

Bowl #1 should have 3/4 cup granulated sugar, 3/4 cup brown sugar, and 3 tablespoons ground cinnamon.

Bowl #2 should have 1/2 cup sugar and 1 tablespoon of cinnamon. Set these aside.

The Rolling of the Dough
If you have limited counter space, as I do, I recommend dividing the dough in two. Flour your work surface and your rolling pin, and roll out the dough into a big rectangle, like so:



The more square your corners, the better. As for thickness, I like to go about 1/2 inch. The thinner it is, the more times you roll it over; the more times you roll it over, the more layers of filling you get.

Melt 1/2 cup butter. If you're doing the dough in two parts, only use half of that here (so, 1/4 cup of butter per half of dough). Spread it over the entire surface of your dough:



And then, grab Cinnamon Sugar Bowl #1. Again: half the bowl if you've divided the dough, all of it if you haven't. You could also add chopped nuts at this time (I imagine pecans would be best), but I am not allowed to do this because the weirdo boyfriend unit doesn't like nuts.



Spread it around.



You want to go as far towards the left and right edges as possible, but leave a bit of space at the top and bottom edges, or else it'll spill when you...



...roll up the dough. Seal the last roll/fold with a little bit of your melted butter.



I recommend having a dog in the kitchen. It will lick your spilled sugar off the floor before you step in it.



Now we'll cut the roll into buns. Here's where I add a slight disclaimer: my pans are different sizes, so I didn't divide my dough evenly. We're looking at the bigger half here, so I've got 12 rolls in all. The smaller side of this dough yielded 8.



Grab another 1/2 cup of butter. Melt it. Portion it into the bottoms of the pans. Then portion in Cinnamon Sugar Bowl #2, like so.



Then you arrange your rolls in what is, for the purposes of this photo, a completely different pan:



Cover and let rise again until big and puffy, 45-60 minutes. (Or, if you're freezing them, this is the point at which to do so.) Here they are, all big and puffy:



While they're rising, preheat the oven to 350. Bake 25-30 minutes, or until golden brown.




The Icing
4 oz (half a block) cream cheese
1/2 cup butter
Melt 'em together in a large saucepan. Remove from heat and add:
3 tbsp milk
1 tsp vanilla
Approx. 4 cups sifted confectioner's sugar (adjust this and the milk depending on how runny you want your glaze). Repeatedly yell at and/or physically threaten boyfriend unit, who will undoubtedly be trying to stick his fingers in the icing.

I personally think the icing should be refrigerated, and that the buns keep better un-iced, but drizzle at will should you so desire. Otherwise, you can chip out refrigerated icing, place it atop a roll, and microwave for 20-30 seconds to melt and warm the roll. You really do want to eat these warm for ultimate gooeyness. And they are gooey. My god, are they gooey.

Even I, an admitted non-lover of cinnamon rolls, adore these. But they will kill you. I've never added up the exact amounts of butter and sugar used in this recipe. I just don't want to know.

Media pairing: I didn't take this video, but I do want to point out that I have been enjoying OK Go since my freshman year of college, 2001, long before their first album even came out and long before the treadmill dance. On the whole, their music has never been so spectacular, but they have always put on a fantastic live show, complete with rock star antics and boy band dancing.



The song fits, damn it.